Pity

Attitudes are central to informing how we act and speak. As an advocate for disability rights and as someone with life experience of disability I know how important this is. This has had a big impact on the way I live and what I speak about in my public talks. Generally I am encouraged by people’s positive attitudes about disability awareness, inclusion and valuing of talents in individuals, rather then the focus on weakness, deficit and loss. It is one of my major focuses in my work with people, to help them realize what impact they can have to support and improve others lives just by their words.

I feel very strongly about issues of discrimination, disempowerment, control or inequality in any circumstance. But due to my personal experiences my main focus is disability. It is difficult to understand when people still hold on to old attitudes that have clearly and for good reasons become outdated and therefore obsolete. This brings me on to my main point of this little rant.

Yesterday at a gathering where I was speaking about my life, opportunities I have had and how important helpers have been in supporting this. I met someone who gave me a wakeup call on my perception that everyone had caught up with the memo about pity being out and positivity being in. But anyway, to make this situation clearer I will fill you in a bit more. As I have mentioned I speak about my life, the people who have been and are part of making it what it is, as well as some of the influencing factors like policy, societal values and attitudes. Overall I was happy with my performance and the audience seemed receptive to my message. But during my Q & A session I was confronted with something that I have not had to deal with for a long time- a person who seemed to pity me and my situation.

I speak for myself as a person, not just one with a disability, that I do not want pity! I do not ask for pity. I do not get out of bed each morning and think “How can I get more pity and sympathy today?”  As a result I had difficulty answering the questions without making pointed remarks about how I keep focused on the positive things in my life and tried to keep on topic. My reaction to this person was initially A) shock that they were going to be working in the disability field and B) surprisingly, anger. Anyone that knows me will say I generally would be the last person to show frustration but this experience really needled me. Am I over-reacting, I ask myself. Possibly! But I just don’t know how to comprehend this experience. Her attitude that came through in her questions and comments were of the “poor you” type. It was like getting slapped in the face with a wet fish.

This experience has clarified for me just how much I dislike being pitied and it has made me more determined to help change the remaining negative perceptions around disability. Yes, I admit there are hard days and times where things seem unfair, but we all have these kinds of days. So I ask everyone who lives with or has experienced disability do we need pity, or would we rather receive positive encouragement and support? I would say I would rather have the empowering and helpful input of people to make more things possible rather then focusing on what’s not.